The story of Mashie.

Mashie phoned me last night, he was obviously drunk. The thing is that he was recently living with his girlfriend and their daughter, they moved out to a different city, he found a flat and a job. They got into argument, cause he came back home different than sober, so she said to LilZ. “Your father is stupid… he’s an asshole…etc”. He couldn’t stand her saying things like that to his daughter, so he slapped her. Two days later she signed a contract with him for a new property, although the day after she packed her stuff and got back to her hometown.
That’s actually what I don’t like, although he is a good father, but the problem is, that they don’t suit each other at all, they just keep destroying themselves like I used to, back to the times when I was with M. Mushie is far away, his cousin is here with his family, he is there all alone, so that’s the other person who has got no one to speak to apart from me atm.

– Hiya, I’m phoning as I wanted to sing a song for you
– Go on.
– “Don’t change yoir heart into a stone, while you still have one…”
– (…) How’s stuff?
– There’s no stuff anymore, I’ve got nothing, she took my daughter which way she took my life, I’ve got nothing left to live for… I feel like I’m dead already, but do you know how hard it is to smash yourself to death? I’ve been drinking for 6 days now and it’s just impossible…
I was going through the city yesterday, and there was that guy and his daughter… *crying*
– uhm… have you spoken to her?
– Yeah… she didn’t tell me much. I’m going to finish my beer and off to sleep, pray for me so I didn’t die up here..
– I… will…

This situation was haunting me a whole time before going to sleep, just because I feel completely helpless in that case… Constantly thinking if that’s enough what I’m doing by just being there to speak to, even though I don’t know what else I could do. I cannot change them all, but still I can change myself so I was stronger, and so I could start causing some positive butterfly effects.


After all those months of being thrown into the weirdest shit one can experience, all I can say is awakening of concioussness may be followed by some well formed illusions, which come to us as a kind of a battle, and in this battle we need to fight back our fears, otherwise it will destroy us and the story is over (or rather starts again).
Once you’ve realised what you truly are, how powerful are your thoughts, how powerful is love – an actual nature of yours… you find it so easy to face what it all brings, whatever it is. No matter what names you’re giving to all those situations, what descriptions are written below them, they’re all nothing less and nothing more than just power of fear. Fear is a bitch. Religion is a bitch, as it tells you to fear, and you shall not. God is a pure form of love, we are love, and it fights back all of the fear. Had multiple dreams of a place that I’ve never been to and I ended up in an exact place, had someone reading my thoughts out, been facing “possessions” scaring the shit out of me… to realise that all I had to do is to fear no more. And then it was gone. Well… until my emotions got messed up again a little, and a reminder came back to gently make me realise that I’m on the wrong path again, briefly that’s how it works… She is my mirror, reclecting my dark side, she is my twin flame, she is what I am and what I am not.

Illussion of life is a mystery you stop searching an answer for once you’ve woken up. There’s no questions to be answered now. There’s a pure being and a time to time battle with your mind saying “what if…”, fortunately it’s not hard to answer yourself with “…nothing” anymore.

Turned out to be a cleanse.

– What did you feel when I…
– After the first time I felt excited, another two came with some kind of a relief, and then I simply couldn’t go on without it, it became something I needed. What I’d like to ask you for, is to do it spontanuously from time to time.

She came back from work, I was struggling between cooking, washing up, sorting the mess out and looking after lilM. It was such a relief to see her, hug her and kiss her. Intensive cuddling, that’s what I was waiting for a whole day. She put “Marylin Manson- This is a new shit” on, I stood next to the fridge, closed my eyes and intensively got into singing the refrain…

Babble babble bitch bitch
Rebel rebel party party
Sex sex sex and don’t forget the “violence”

And so I looked at her, she was sitting by the table all laid back, staring at me with that insanity written down on her face. It gave me a thrill of an excitement, I knew my eyes weren’t different, I knew she got that thrill either.
Later on I went to take a shower, asked her to soap me, she was waiting for me to lead her to move it forward, she gently rubbed my bump and then she fucked me, after which we both sat down, listening to some romantic tunes she put on, holding our hands, looking at each other, and so she said it all feels so magic…
It was indeed.
We got cuddled up on the bed, singing to each other, and so we got lost in that peaceful relief.

– It’s been so long since I was looking deeply in your eyes feeling so undisturbed…


She woke up two hours later, went out of the room. All I remember was her, putting the knife on the desk and sitting behind me, I couldn’t move, and so I got into that state again, between a dream and reality, kinda out of body experience as I started screaming and shaking, but I was out and back again, I didn’t know whether I’m screaming inside of my head or if it can be actually heard, I think I woke up and felt asleep back again. I had a dream of us, sitting on the floor in the kitchen, holding a knife, talking, smiling, it was alright, she said it’s alright, she won’t use it. We also had three rabits in the bathroom, both didn’t know where did we get them from.
Her alarm clock woke me up, I tried to hug her, she didn’t let me, when she got up she didn’t speak to me, didn’t answer, that was the thing I was scared of, waking up, questioning myself whether I did it all right or wrong. I smashed the razor and took the blade out, cut myself gently four times where my old wounds are, right between the lines of my tattoo saying “Even the oldest wounds leave a scar” in latin. Just wanted the blood to come out, so I wiped it out, went out for a fag, and threw it on the desk in front of her, and got back to the room.
After a few minutes she came back, put the lights off and sat next to me in silence. Then she asked me to slap her. I refused, I said that I cannot do it if she refuses to hug me. She repeated. I sat on her knees, I tried to get anything else out of her. “I don’t have to much time, I need to go to work soon, ffs do it, you’re not gonna find out what’s gonna happen if you don’t do anything.” I slapped her. She hugged me and kept it that way for a while. Took out the tissue asking what’s that, I told her. She said she doesn’t know what happened to her last night, what happened to her today morning, she doesn’t know what the hell is wrong with her.

– Why did it take you so long, it take you 7 minutes, you took too much of my time.
– I’m confused I’m trying to find myself but it’s hard.
– I woke up quarter to three, brought that knife and realised that I’m not supposed to do it, that it’s just my psychotic thought.
– You didn’t want to hug me later on, I got lost. Please… kiss me.
– Red light.
Red light… kiss me.

(And so we kissed)
Write me as often as possible, I have to go now.

And so she left to work with P, that’s the best thing about having him, he can be there now while I cannot, so I don’t have to worry as much as I could.

Pain is relative.

She loves pain, she needs it.
Constantly thinks of cutting herself to feel it, wrote me today, that her depression is something she won’t probably get out of, that she needs to be alone sometimes, and also she needs pain which she cannot find at home, I wrote her back, that I will give it to her if she really wants it. Cuffs, me… it was meant to be casual, I started and she stopped saying anything, and kept looking into my eyes. After 5 mins she said “It became a rape, can’t you see that? All I could feel was a pain, no pleasure”, then I started again, she said she wants me to listen, she wants me to do what she wants without asking. She asked me to slap her. Asked me again, asked me if I’m deaf, and so I did it. It hurt. Although I knew it shouldn’t as I’m actually bringing some kind of a relief. Did it again, and again, and again. She asked me to kiss her, I tried and she said “You cannot kiss someone you hit.” That gave me a bit of confusion, comolete blackout actually, I felt paralised for a while.

– Stop!!! Red light!!! Ffs, answer my fucking question now, do you actually want it, or have just tried me out if I could actually hit you?!
– I do want it, and I knew you will do it.
– How?
– After that message you wrote me it was clear to me. Do it again.

And so it moved forward, she asked me to put my hand on her neck. I was hestitating, and so she tied cuffs around it saying that she can do it by herself if I won’t. So I did, and then:

– Bring the knife
– no.
– Bring it.
– fuck no.
– So I will bring it.
– Red light. Ffs no fucking knife.
– Red light. Bring the knife.
– Red light. Don’t fucking red light me in like that.
– Red light. Do what I ask you to do. If not, I will comfort myself when you’ll be sleeping.
– Well fuck off, you’re tied up, goodnight.

And so I sat on her knees, grabed cuffs, and stayed like that for around 5 mins, then I opened the cuffs and left for a fag. She felt asleep, although I don’t know what to think, I feel kinda normal with that, but all I’m worrying about is her morning reaction. Well. I guess life will never stop surprising me with people in my life.


Worthless you are.

I told M. to get the fuck out of my house on thursday, on friday he was meant to stay with lil M. As soon as V&P came back, he phoned me saying he’s leaving, it all changed into an argument, he told me to fuck off, and called V. as a stupid whore for his own desorganisation. I got another panic attack at work, V. decided to come and collect me from work, but first she fucked me in the toilet in my restaurant.
She woke up in the middle of the night, shaking and crying, said she had the worst nightmare ever, that we both had a car accident and she wants me to stay at home today to be sure that I’m safe. I tried to calm her down, she couldn’t stop shaking and moaning unconciously, all of a sudden she felt asleep. Lil M was screaming for the next 2 hours, it was hard to comfort her so she could sleep back again.
We woke up around 7, M. came to look after Lil M., V&P were still at the door, I slapped him, saying that it’s for offending us yesterday. V&P left, and as soon as they left, M. started pulling me, he pressed me against the wall and slapped me saying “There’s no one to help you now, what you gonna do?”, I pulled him back, felt so embarrassed being there almost naked, surprisingly that was the only thing bothering me at this moment… I locked myself in the toilet, trying to get ready to work, he started kicking the door, I opened them shouthing that he’s fucked up completely, and he started calling me a whore. I laughed.
Someone knocked on the door, I thought it’s Marc, it turned out that it’s V. who forgot something and had to get back. She saw me shaking, asked what’s happened, then went to the kitchen to shout her anger out. She kissed me and left, and P. was the next one who came in to tell M. that if that will ever happen again, he will be in serious troubles.

– So what you gonna say now you female boxer huh?
– You’re funny, you’re not even a woman.
– So who am I in your mind then…?
– Nobody, no one, I don’t know…
– Well… you should better start using words you know the meaning of eyy? It’s all non sense what you’re saying…
– but… you hit me first.
– Yes, I slapped you and you know why, you’d better mind your fucking words.
– No, you slapped me cause you’ve got no respect for me.
– You say what?! If I had no respect for you, your belongings would be flying out through the window. And it’s you showing no respect, you’re playing with me, trying to use my kindness, and every fucking day you’re offending me, and talking behind my back. And you’ve just pressed me against the wall threatening me you fuck up.

And so he didn’t know what to say. I got out, got to work, and then I finally cried it all out.


My life has turned upside down within the last month. Completely. Positively. I am as crazy as they come, and fucking brave at the same time. M. has gone through every possible kind of state while break up. At the very beginning he was shocked, he was beging me to come back, then he decided to be mean as possible, and he was trying to change my holidays into hell, by telling my family that I’m dating a girl. He didn’t manage to achieve that, my mom and my uncle fully accepted my decision, they were happy to see me smiling back again. He was having a laughter, lie after lie was coming out of his mouth when talking with friends, but it didn’t bother me too much, as people know me well, and so they know him, and even though he thinks he’s cool, he’s dumb enough to not see it.

Our relationship with W. is the most beautiful one I’ve ever had, we’re similar in so many ways, she plays the guitar, I can finally create a duet with my partner, and also things that differ us, turn out to be a perfect fullfiling for each other. And that love I can see in her eyes… it’s all so true and honest.

And… we got engaged! Yes… after 2 weeks of being together, W. proposed me. From the very beginning we felt so much, we were both surprised, and even though some people tell me, that it’s blind at the beginning, I know, that every decision of mine is always right. So you could ask “Then why were you putting up with that cunt for that long?”… Remember, every thing in your life happens for a reason. If I didn’t happen, I wouldn’t be here, I wouldn’t have found that place which became my home, I wouldn’t have a child… I woldn’t have met W. That was another feeling of mine, for the last few months, I knew I need to break up, but I knew that time will tell me when by itself.